Eating Worms

October 21, 2008 at 5:28 pm (Memoir) (, , )

Nobody likes me, Everybody hates me,

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Going to go sit in the woods

And eat worms…

I don’t like myself right now. I crapped out on a job. Just up and quit after five hours. This is not like me. Usually, once I have a job it’s do or die till the end. This time I knew quite quickly that I bit off more than I could chew. It was a second job. It was adding four hours every night to an already full weekday and I didn’t really want to do it. I took the job because the friend who helped me get it felt I should do it. I took the job because my big sister said it sounded interesting and insinuated that if she could work over sixty hours a week so could I. I can’t work that much. I court trouble when I over commit myself: I get stressed. This week, I got a cold sore and the beginnings of a migraine because I felt guilty about quitting a job I didn’t really want.

I took it because it was good money and only a fool turns down money. I took it because I need the money. I had a tooth cap dissolve and I need another cap besides that one. My heart wants to be able to support myself with one job. My heart wants extra money for something fun. My brain keeps saying that’s not how life works. You have no right to like your life. Expect to be punished!

And I do. I expect to be punished. I expect people to be disappointed in me and not like me because I crapped out on a job. A job I knew was too much out of my comfort zone. A job where the cons outweighed the pros. I expect other people to have more of a right to tell me how to live my life than I myself do. I was raised this way.

So my challenge right now is to have the confidence to show that I know what is right for my life and the courage to live as I want to.

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2 Comments

  1. Hector said,

    Maybe it wasn’t your failure, but the job’s failure to keep you.

  2. bkclubcare said,

    I could respond with a book to this post! Perhaps it best if I can just let you know you just GOTTA DO RIGHT BY what you think is right for yourself. Don’t let your mind play games about what others think is right for you and shoulda, coulda, wouldas. But oh how well I know, easier said than done.

    I like what Hector said.

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