What I Want

January 2, 2011 at 3:37 pm (Fun, Life, Recreation, Travel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

What do I want? It’s a hard question for me to answer. I yearn for so very little. I need so very little. I no longer dream big, impossible dreams.

If you had asked me this question at thirteen; then I wanted so much. I wanted to go to San Francisco, to see Bernadette on Broadway – to fly, to be bigger than I was.

Now I am satisfied (mostly) with the little things – a place of my own, enough books to read and the ability to support myself.

It is too hard to dream big. This time, last year, I was planning my trip to Scotland. This time, last year, the stress caused my body to yell at me until the trip was over. I don’t fly well. I think I flew better ten years ago.

I don’t believe anymore that my big dreams are possible. If I had all the time and money I wanted, I would travel the world on a luxury liner and by train. I would hire a companion to deal with the necessities. I would pay to go on guided day trips. I am not a spur of the moment, fly by the seat of her pants person. I want order. I want to know the who, what, why, when and where before I get there. Only then can I relax and enjoy myself.

Traveling with the Doctor would lead me to an early grave.

This is why I yearn for so little. Because I know I will probably never be able to afford what I really, really want so I settle for the infinitesimal.

Plus, no one ever gets me what I really, really want. The last Christmas gift that pleasantly surprised, that was perfect, I got when I was three.

All I wanted for christmas I did not get and whose responsibility is this?

I ask for the impossible.

There are days where all I want is never to be cold again…perhaps I should settle for silk underwear.

I want a bath sheet big enough to wrap around myself.

I want a new Garfield beach towel that looks exactly like my old towel. An impossibility because the towel is old (1970s) and features the older, fatter Garfield. As you can see, the towel is quite threadbare.

I want a comfortable, practical work wardrobe. My favourite, red knit top was purchased for 5 dollars at a thrift shop in less than twenty minutes and I can still wear it after five years. For someone who HATES to shop, this was the perfect shopping experience.

I want respect for my own traditions and I do realize that until I stress how important this is to me that no one else will.

I want someone to drive me places. I know that this is a selfish request. I hate city driving, don’t have a car and have trouble spending money on taxis for frivolous reasons (and let’s not even discuss how annoying the bus can be). Question 18 at today’s Sunday Stealing meme asks: “Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?” My heart’s immediate answer is “yes”, while my head says “just a minute now, think about it first, and don’t be rash!”

I want someone to shoot pictures with because even though I can and will do this by myself, sometimes it gets lonely to always do things alone.

Did I actually ask for any of these things? No. I am so wishy-washy, Charlie Brown-ish.

This year I resolve to ask for what I need from others and to provide everything else myself.

This year I resolve to figure out, what it is that I …

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2 Comments

  1. mysticaldodo said,

    Sometimes I wonder if i will live my life till the end and never figure out what i really want out of life. I sometimes think this when my mind is idle 😦

  2. solitaryspinster said,

    Hi mysticaldodo,

    I love your user name.

    I get what you’re saying, that’s why sometimes I think the best thing is not to let the mind be idle (I read too much) but then this just cause me to think more.

    gigi

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