Looking Backwards

January 6, 2013 at 8:15 am (Life) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Last January, I vowed that I would make a lot of mistakes. My new year’s resolution was to step outside my comfort zone and make glorious mistakes. How did that work out for you, you ask?

Morning Reflection

Well, I made mistakes. Big, huge, glorious mistakes and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how it made me feel and I didn’t like the results. My mistakes cost me money and they cost me time. My mistakes made me feel uncomfortable.

I like living a precise, ordered life. My needs are met. My wants are few, practically non-existent.

Last year, I asked myself, what else I wanted.

I wanted to keep my independence. I wanted to let go of fear & the bad habit of putting others’ needs before my own.

I still fear too much and too often put others’ needs first.

I will always be independent; happier alone then interacting with others. Is this wrong? Or is this, just me?

Broken Car

I broke my car last summer. I totaled it. I wasn’t paying attention. I was somewhere new and strange. My head was not in the drive.

I don’t like to drive in the first place. I am a walker. I had a car because someone gave it to me; because someone else feels I am incomplete without a car.

I do not feel incomplete without a car (most of the time). I walk, I wonder, and I dream as I do so. I manage without a car because I know that I am not a driver.

In a car, I am that little old lady, that everyone gets annoyed with, as she slowly meanders from place to place heedless that everyone else is in a hurry to get somewhere. I am not in a hurry. I’ve planned my time to accommodate the wondering and the meandering. Stop harshing my joy!

Turbulence

This year, this year of mistakes, has been turbulent!

I have not enjoyed myself.

I have created an insular cave to hide in and that is not good.

It does not help that the biggest mistake occurred at the end of the summer just as the seasons changed to Fall and Winter. I tend to hibernate during Winter even during the good years. This was not a good year!

Angels

Last year, I asked, “What do I want?”

And vowed that I was determined to know the answer before the year ended.

Do I know the answer yet?

“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,’ says the White Queen to Alice.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice‘s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

“The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.”
― Winston S. Churchill

“Glance backward, look heavenward, reach outward, press onward”
― Thomas S. Monson

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