This Is Not My City

May 19, 2013 at 8:15 am (Life) (, , , , , , , )

Have you ever felt that something was a bad idea right from the get go? Have you ever  felt that the decision you are about to make is the wrong one? This is my life right now.

My life has become delineated to before and after.

This is not my city!

Blue Sky w clouds

This city has been bad luck ever since I came down for the job interview.

It stormed the day of my interview. There were tornado warnings and pounding rains. The interview felt endless. The rules were unclear. I hate unclear rules! The interview involved a too long lunch and a road trip out to a secondary site. I got soaked at the end of it as we rushed back to the original interview site. Did I mention the tornado warnings? There were lakes puddled in the road as I tried to maneuver unfamiliar streets so that I could head back home to the city I loved.

I accepted the job even though I knew that it was not a good fit! Some situations just feel like there is no other choice. Unemployed and poor in the city I loved or a barely tolerable job in a new place that might be okay.

Then, the day I came to look at apartments, I caused a car accident that totaled my car. I looked at two places before that and rather than come back another day, I took the more tolerable one which turned out to be (in the light of day) dinghy, run-down and in need of paint and new flooring (but the location is perfect for me – I can walk every where I need to go).

Because of the car accident, I bought my step-father’s truck because everyone (but me) is of the opinion that I MUST have a vehicle. I have not driven the truck since the beginning of last October.

This is partly because of the weather – it has been a long winter; snow has fallen from October until May! I broke my wrist slipping on the ice Easter weekend and the cast has just come off. I feel broken! I can’t do what I want and cannot perform all the tasks of my job any more and I worry (occasionally) that this might get me fired (which might be a mixed blessing).

This is not my city. The weather is different here. I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel like home.

Open Space

This city, this move, has been nothing but bad luck.

I have no third place to relax at. There is work. There is home. I have no friends here. I have no family here. Everyone is too far away and I am too quiet to start again.

I know that this is partly a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t want to move away from the city I loved. I don’t handle change well. I lived six years in Montreal and spent the first year only traveling between school and home. It took me a year to get comfortable enough to take the Metro and start exploring the city. By the time I left Montreal, I had fallen in love with it. It may not be the city I love the most but I would go back there again.

The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant in the Room

I don’t know which straw broke this camel’s back.

I only know that this is not my city.

I should not have taken the job. I should not have moved.

This is not my city!

I should have trusted my intuition.

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